Back On The Road

I am back in the UK now.  I got here on Tuesday morning and I will be here until next Tuesday. 

The weather is much nicer this time.  It's warmer.  I will probably have to come back in a few weeks and then it will be nicer still.  All the trees should have leaves on them and then it will really be stunning.

I have been pretty busy and it's likely to stay that way for each of the working days.  I am going to be here over a weekend, and I'm not exactly sure what I will do with myself.  If the weather holds, I may try to go back to London and see some of the sights.

I have talked to T, but only briefly since I have been here.  When I go to work it's 3am at home, and even after dinner, when I get back to the hotlel, T is still not done with work.  I am hoping to talk to him tonight, but I'm getting sleepy. 

While I miss him teribly, I am not going to write any whiny posts about how much I miss him.  I am not going to complain about how lonely it is over here by myself.  T hate's it when I do that.

I am just going to be glad that when I get back, there will be a man who loves me waiting for my return.

Outing Myself ... Again... and Again

I think this is the last time I will write about this, but I did out myself again in a very public way.


A couple of weeks ago I posted an essay about "The Straight Spouse" in response to a public conversation that the local NPR station was having about marriage equality.  Since I will be traveling on business for the actual event, I wrote an essay about my situation.  I posted the first draft of it here.  The radio station rejected the first submission because it was more than the requested limit of 500 words.  I cut it back to 499 and re-sent it.


I had not heard anything from them but when I checked their website, I saw they published it.


They also included my name.  My real and full name.  


This is not a problem for me and the only reason I am writing about it now is that K and AJ and I had a very funny conversations about it last night.


K works for a church the the rumors about her family situation are staggering.  For a while, the word was, she was cheating on me so I left her.  Then when she got re-married, the rumor was she was pregnant and it was a "shotgun wedding".  Now my dad's obituary indicates I have a partner with a male name and I have published my story on a major local radio station's website with my real name on it.


K was joking and complaining that now she is going to have to deal with that.  I told her it might help because it would turn the rumor mill toward me.  She still thinks they will blame her for "turning me gay".  AJ thinks it stupid to worry about it at all.  He thinks the more people I come out to the better.


Seriously, is there anyone left to tell?

Outing Myself ... Again

I did it again.  Without thinking about it, I have once again outed myself to a potentially large number of people.


On Thursday, my Dad's obituary appeared in 3 newspapers and their respective websites.  One of the papers has a huge circulation and the other 2 are community papers.  People who know my family would know what papers to look at to find the obituary if they wanted to ready it.


Additionally, the pastor of the church K works for asked me for funeral information for my dad.  Rather than send him the details, I simply sent him the link to the obituary that had all the information he wanted.  I suspect he will forward it on to others in the church.


So what, you might ask.  How is any of this outing yourself?


On Tuesday when my mom and sister were crafting the working of the obituary, we talked about how (or if) to include T and K.  I wanted to include both.  When it was done, it read something like this:


"...leaves behind 2 children.  A son, Jim and his partner T, and his children.... and their mother K"


I liked the way it sounded.  I still do, but it was not until I had sent it to the pastor did I realize exactly what I had done.  Anyone I had not told I am gay, was going to find out in my dad's obit.  It was not my intention to distract from my dad's memorial, and in reality I doubt that I have.  I am so comfortable with my new situation, especially with my family, that I just did not think about it.  


I don't know if there will be any consequences for that.  Most of the people at church don't know that K and I divorced because I am gay.  I don't know if they will give her shit about it.  


I also don't know who of my old friends will read the obituary and find out something new about me.


Another step in the process, right?

Happy Birthday Dad

Today my dad would have turned 68.  This is him standing on the beach on Frenchman's Bay in Bar Harbor, Maine at sunset.  One of his favorite places.


Today there will be calling hours at the funeral home near my mom's house.  Unfortunately, I can't can be there.  My I had to come back to North Carolina for work.  The funeral mass will be in 2 week in the northern town where he grew up.  Me and kids will go up for that.


I got a comment yesterday from "D" who asked how to you accept the fact that your parents won't be around forever.  I'm not sure you do.


I said before that my dad was sick for a long time.  Intellectually we all knew he would not make it to his 90's.  His father lived to be 96.  I am not sure how often he was in the hospital, it was a lot over the years, but each time he would bounce back and go home.  Each time, I knew the doctors would work their magic and he would go home.  Maybe not a strong as he was before, but he would go home.


Even as I drove home last Sunday, I really did not think that things were as bad as they were.  I thought I would see him for a few days and then both he and I would go home.  It was not until I was faced with the reality of his situation that I started to realize he may not come home the hospital.

Impressed By My Kids

On Tuesday we set the date of my dad's funeral.  I helped pick the date and if it was confirmed by the church, I was sure it would fit my schedule.


As I was driving back to North Carolina, Mom called and said the church confirmed our first choice date.  Perfect!


Then I got home.  I told the kids about the date and when we would fly back to my mother's house.  My youngest son, started to look upset.  He is 10 and of all the kids he was the one most emotionally effected by the news of my father's death.  I pulled him aside and asked him what the problem was.  


The funeral plans overlapped his school trip to the Outer Banks.  He and I were going to go on that trip together with his 4th grade class.  It was in my calendar, how the hell could I forgotten it.  SHIT!!


I told him I would try to work something out.  Maybe he would only have to miss part of the trip, or maybe we could catch a flight from there, instead of coming back to Charlotte.


UGH!!  What the hell was I going to do?  This trip was planned since September and we had paid a lot of money for it.  He was really looking forward to the time together.  I did not want to just tell him that he could not go.  I was afraid that in his 10 year old mind, he would blame his grandfather for making him miss the trip.  I did not want that memory to be attached to my dad's memory.  DAMN!!!


The next day I came to K's house after work.  My son came and sat down next to me on the couch.


"Dad, if we had to miss the beach trip to go the funeral, that would be OK."


"Really?  You don't want to go on the trip?"


"No, I do want to go, but this is more important.  I want to see Grandma too." he said.


I asked him about it again later in the evening to make sure he had not changed his mind.  He confirmed that he wanted to go to the funeral and be with the family.  


I was very proud of my son.  At 10 years old, I did not expect that level of maturity.  While he has always been mature for his age, I did not expect that from him.  My son really impressed me.

I'm a Selfish Bastard

No.  Really.  I am.

The date for my dad's funeral is set.  It's a Saturday in a few weeks.  It will be in the little town here was born, about 300 miles from my mom's house.

I looked at the calendar after the date was set and discovered my youngest son has a school trip to the beach that week.  He's been looking forward to that all year.  The trip ends on Friday and I may be able to get a Friday night flight.  I think K will take the other kids the day before.

So why am I selfish? Because I still want T to come with me.  If we left on Friday and returned on Sundays, he would only miss one day at work.  I knew what the answer would be before I asked.  He can't.  Saturday is supposed to be a short day, the in reality he generally see the the same number of patients as a weekday.  The office is supposed to close at 2:00 but they are frequently there until 6:00.

He is worried about how crazy it would be for his sister if he's not there.  He is worried about how long the patients will wait.  And I even know he is worried about not being there for me when I need him.  I know he thinks about all of it.  In the end, though, the office won out over me.

He says I'm not being fair.

He's probably right.

Philip Fusco

Philip Fusco widescreen wallpaper